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Control is the Illusion

Awareness

Circumstance matters. When dealing with an external stressor, be that a person, a place, or a thing, the need to control and negate the stress kicks in and sometimes quickly creates an even bigger problem. I want to say that awareness fixes everything. Still, like being careful what you pray for, awareness often exacerbates my natural inclination to control simply because I find myself trying to control being controlling. Eventually, that cycle leads to the realization that control is an illusion triggered by fear. Awareness is the rational response. Knowing any fear can be confronted and usually overcome by understanding my desire to control comes from my inner desire to satisfy my need for safety and security.

As a child, my world was chaotic. There were always unknowns, and I often had only myself to rely on. To say I got into a few scrapes would be putting it mildly. I survived and learned that if I could not control the situation, avoidance would work.

Perceived Reality

Today, I find myself struggling with control again. I am reactive, and though there are external stressors, my need to control is creating havoc for my serenity and peace. Like a fierce dragon, control is banging its very hard head against the present moment. Recognizing my need for control is fear-based, I look at the circumstances and potential outcomes, and if I am honest with myself, I acknowledge I am spending most of my time resisting the present reality. Simplicity is where my happiness lives. Instead of accepting it’s a nice morning, and I am safe and secure, or being grateful, I have plenty of everything I need, including love, I find I am focused on either a past reality or an unknown future.

If my fear response is in control, I am not. I may become resistant to what actually is; the feeling, the attitude of someone else, a lack of understanding, a lack of appreciation, an unmet expectation, hell, even the weather, can trigger fear or insecurity. I resist what is and opt for something familiar. Unfortunately for me, that is usually anger, judgment, or solitude. I’m not a dance-your-worry-away kind of girl, but thankfully, it is more difficult for me to remain in that space because I know it.

Non-Attachment

The concept of non-attachment is my continuous work. It is a practice that motivates me to improve myself, allowing me to be better for myself and everything else in my world. The scientist in me recognizes that all reality is an illusion. The human in me cannot grasp that concept. Awareness is the key to the universe. It really and truly is. Those fleeting moments of clarity allow me to interact with, rather than react to, my experiences, my thoughts, and most especially, my feelings without the need to control them or the entity creating them. For me, that is freedom. When I see myself as independent of everything I experience, it is the ultimate control, self-control. I can have multiple perspectives and not be bound to any singular outcome. I am free to just be me.